Noah brings a profound compassion to his teaching. He is also wise, and oh so funny. And even though I am old enough (barely) to be his big brother, he is the teacher and I am the student.Not long ago, I dreamed a dream while sitting on the side of a mountain near Yachats. And as I sat, I watched the mists arising from the ocean to the west of me. I cannot say if I was awake or asleep during this dream. I only know that when I awoke from it, I had written of the dream as I dreamed it.
I looked about me, and I saw a girl, a real girl, one I had met only the day before. Had she been there all the time? It did not matter. I got up and walked to where she sat in the grass. I bent and kissed her forehead. Her name was Aga. I said in response to her surprised but gentle smile, “Thank you for the gift of that kiss. Someday I will explain.” I am explaining now.
Here is the dream.
When I die, I’m going to face my maker and my maker will say, “John before you return to a state of bliss, account for yourself."
And I’m gonna say, “What?”
And God’s gonna say, “Account for yourself.”
And I’ll say, “No, I heard that. What I want to know is if you really meant I’m going to return to bliss.”
And God will say, “You’re dead and your going to return to bliss. Yes, I said that.”
And I’ll say, “Bliss? Do you mean bliss as in nirvana, as in enlightenment, as in Samadhi and so on?”
And God will say, “Well, these terms are rather meaningless, but yes.”
“Do you mean to say that all I needed to do was die and I would have entered into a state of Samadhi?”
And God will say, “Yes.”
And I will say, “You mean all those years I sat meditating, sitting still, and being holy I was really seeking death?”
“Yes,” God will say, “And now that we have that straight, give an accounting of yourself.”
“Hell, no!” I will say. “You give me a accounting of yourself first.”
And God’s gonna say, “What?”
“You heard me. Now why didn’t you tell me that Samadhi and death are one in the same the same thing? I could have been having a fun. Instead I was spiritual and I had a practice. Good Lord, preserve me! Couldn’t you have at least given me a hint?”
“You didn’t want to think about what death really means. You wanted to manifest abundance. You wanted a fulfilling life. You wanted to be enlightened. You wanted to be healed. John, nobody wants the truth. You didn’t until you got cancer. Then you stripped away your beliefs to nothing. Then you stood alone. And then you looked at the truth. Death is a gift. It is a precious gift, for only through understanding death does life become precious. I gave you plenty of hints.”
“When did you give me hints? I don’t remember any hints.”
“Remember that time you were in the middle of a field and a bull charged you?”
“Sure! How could I forget? There were usually cows in that pasture. I thought I was gonna die.”
“You nearly did.”
“Yeah, well, I ran so fast I think I singed the grass.”
“Do you remember how you felt?”
“Yeah, scared. I felt scared. But I was watching myself. Only it wasn’t my normal me watching. And I knew that even if I got trampled, I would be fine. It was as though I had tapped into a pool of infinite compassion.”
“Right,” God will say, “that was death you felt. You were so close to death that you jumped back and forth between this reality and Samadhi.”
“Damn,” I’ll say.
“It’s a little bit of a shock,” God will say. “No matter how hard I try to show people what death is, they run. My oh my, how they run.”
“Yeah,” I will agree. “That they do.”
“But not you,” God will say. “Not you, at least not lately. You haven’t been afraid. You’ve looked at death and said, ‘Come on. Have at me. I’m ready to die’.”
“Yeah, well, God, I’ve changed my mind.”
“What? Just yesterday I heard you say, ‘The worse that can happen is I’ll be dead, and hell, I’ve been dead for most of eternity. And it didn’t bother me a bit’. Didn’t I hear you say that?”
“Yup, I did say that.”
“And I’m sure I heard you say, ‘No reincarnation. No afterlife. No nothing. Just death. Come on death, I’m not afraid of you’.”
“Yeah, I said that too. I think you took out the swear words, though. In any case, I’ve changed my mind. I’d like a few more days.”
“Why?”
“God, I made a mistake.”
“And what was that?”
“All those years I meditated because I wanted to attain enlightenment, they were wasted. All those years I listened to a teacher repeating what he had heard from his teacher; but had never experienced for himself, they were wasted. All the hours I spent reading all those silly books, they were wasted. I was dumb.”
“Dumb?” God will say. “You did what was yours to do. You loved chanting. Even now as we speak, are you not chanting to yourself? You loved meditating in community. You loved listening to teachers who knew only a little and laughed at how little it was. You loved reading a good book. Your error was sometimes doing these things from a sense of obligation.”
“That is what I mean! How often did I act from a sense of obligation instead of joy. There were dogs I should have petted. Instead I meditated because I wanted to attain Nirvana. There were rocks I should have skipped on rivers I have never seen. Instead I listened to spiritual teachers because I wanted wisdom. There were girls I should have kissed. Instead I studied because I feared I would never find the answer. Petting, skipping, kissing, those should have been my meditations.”
“You were seeking death, and all the while it awaited you with gentle arms.”
“I want a just a few more days.”
“Why?”
“I want to hold my children and give them my courage. I want to see the gentle smile of my love and tell her that she is Radhe, the one whom I worship. I want to hug my friends. I want to smile at strangers. I want to walk barefoot in the sand. I want to roll in the grass. I want to kiss a girl!”
“You want your life to be your meditation?”
“Yes!” I will shout. “And I don’t want to die with a single ‘I love you’ left in me!”
“Do you mean to tell me that you are willing to give up the Enlightenment of Death just to kiss a girl?”
“You damn bet I am.”
And God will say, “Good choice.”
Blessings,
John C. Conley
Questioner: What do you think he’s trying to say?”
Baba Ram Jahn: Does it matter?
Questioner: That is the wrong question.
Baba Ram Jahn: If it is the wrong question, then the answer makes no difference.
Questioner: I think we should go skip some rocks.
Baba Ram Jahn: Are you saying that enlightenment is to be found in the skipping of rocks on calm waters?
Questioner: I am saying I can skip a rock farther, further, and faster than you can!
Baba Ram Jahn: You will eat those words, Daughter. But in a gentle way, of course! Om.
